I'll Just Be Over Here Lying on the Floor
Why the U.S. election feels so damn personal and how I'm dealing (or not)
I’m writing this from the floor in a position I would never recommend or try working in otherwise. Lying on my back, with my legs bent, knees pointing to the ceiling, I have my laptop propped up on my thighs.
I hurt my back this week. More specifically, I sprained my SI joint. This is what the physiotherapist told me. It’s a joint at the base of the spine that connects the tailbone to the pelvic bone. Did I mention it happened on my birthday? #thisis41
Anyway, I cannot sit down or stand up without pain. I have to log roll to the side of the bed and push myself up with my arms, because I can’t sit up on my own.
Walking is OK as long as I don’t take too big of steps. If I sit too long or stand too long, I have spasms that cause me to feel like I’m going to collapse. The only comfortable position for any amount of time is lying down.
The silver lining in this is I’m sleeping well. Chronic pain is exhausting on its own, but my body seems to be forcing me to rest. Even my favourite chair is horribly uncomfortable, so when I’m not doing little things around the apartment (the movement is good), I’m napping.
It sounds so cliche, but this has absolutely reminded me not to take my body for granted.
I wish I could tell you I was doing something exciting or strenuous when this happened. Sadly, I was not. I bent over to take my boots off at the gym and suddenly, I was in excruciating pain. It felt like everything in my lower back had seized up. I couldn’t sit or stand.
There have been a lot of chuckles since over this. The irony is I go to the gym to prevent injuring myself in this very way- from a simple, everyday action.
After six days, the pain has started to subside. I am able to move better and I can stand now without needing to push myself up with my arms. I even put my socks on this morning while sitting. I still cannot bend over, so I am grateful for all the squats we do at the gym. I’m using them a lot.
I can also be grateful for the distraction this has caused me this week. I was almost able to forget the U.S. election. Almost.
Like many, I did disappear into my own little spiral when I woke up Wednesday morning. And I have been processing since.
I have felt all the things. I was disappointed. I was sad. I was angry. I was scared. I was deflated. I was a tiny bit relieved it was over. But mostly I felt hopelessness.
At some point, I read Mad Woman’s take, “It’s not the economy. It’s the misogyny.”
She writes,
“It’s not the economy. It’s misogyny, it’s racism, it’s patriarchy, it’s late capitalism. It’s the belief that one’s grocery bill and “pocketbook” matter more than women’s full citizenship, dignity and human life. I’m already beyond frustrated and fed up with those who will blame feminism or women for what is clearly a culture of misogyny and racism gone wild—and always already at the rotten core.”
I feel all of this. It feels personal.
Not only as a woman in politics, but just as a woman. The truth in America has been laid bare: they hate women.
It’s ugly and feels personal.
For the times I worked hard and did all the things, only to be passed over or demoted while the men around me seemed to just cruise to higher positions of power.
For the times I’ve heard women say, “I don’t want to be chosen because I’m a woman. I want to be chosen because I’m the best candidate.”
What does it tell us when millions of people chose a convicted felon over a smart, experienced woman?
When people were literally saying, “Not her.”
I worry for my colleagues and friends in the U.S. And I worry for what’s next for us here in Canada. The fact this is in the U.S. does little to comfort me. Our experiences are universal.
And what really scares me is the hate, entitlement to and ownership over women that seems to be accompanying this administration.
Quoting from The Guardian and referring to the influence of well-funded, right-wing content creators, Allison Lichtor writes in “Why Did We Think We Could Beat the Manosphere”,
“They tap into a shared belief in “hegemonic masculinity” — believing that men should be in positions of power, be “mentally, physically, and emotionally tough,” and reject anything considered feminine or gay,”.
The danger to women feels very real.
November is Woman Abuse Prevention Month in Ontario. After a year of organizations advocating to the provincial government to declare intimate partner violence an epidemic in the province, the number of cases continues to climb. One organization north of Toronto saw a 270% increase in cases last year.
Just this week in Eastern Ontario, an eighteen-year old man ran down his sixteen-year old girlfriend and attacked her with a sword. This is just one of several news stories from this last week alone.
It is fucking terrifying to read about the explosion of “Your Body, My Choice” posts on social media in the 24 hours following the election.
I want all this to be an exaggeration. Words taken out of context. Or blown up by the media to stoke the “woke mob”.
And in this moment, I can see I am clinging to the soundbites that scare me and steady me in my beliefs of who is “good” and who is “bad”. And I can recognize, this is the exact same thing millions of Americans who voted for Trump have done.
Retreating to the groups where we feel seen. Feel safe. A life boat in uncertain times.
And while it may provide some understanding. It doesn’t provide me much comfort.
I too believed preserving democracy, as broken as it might be, would prevail over individualism. I am an optimist and an idealist. I want to believe people will stand up for the things that ensure we can collectively thrive. That our neighbours can also be safe. I was wrong.
I grossly misjudged how much people care about these things. And as I read more takes, the ones I am appreciating the most basically say, “shit was always fucked up. This is just more of the same.”
There is something about being grounded in this way that makes me feel, “we will get through.”
Also, anyone who can meet this moment with the snark of “Men Yell at Me” has my respect:
“Imagine the Democrats doing all that work to steal an election just to get Joe Biden as president, then deciding not to do it again.
This is what the majority of Americans want. And I am not full of despair. I have clarity. This is the America we have.”
Clarity. If nothing else, we have this and perhaps that’s a start.
With some more time, I will be ready to get back up again and carry on with the work. I will aspire to do it with more curiosity and the same optimism that we can build a better world that doesn’t limit people’s basic rights. I will be ready to keep marching.
Until then, just as my body needs its rest, so too does my spirit.
I leave you with the lyrics and Alyssa Payne’s version of Shaina Taub’s “Keep Marching” from the award winning Broadway musical, Suffs. Thank you for this share,
- I needed it more than I realized.“You won't live to see the future that you fight for
Maybe no one gets to reach that perfect day
If the work is never over
Then how do you keep marching anyway?
Do you carry your banner as far as you can
Rewriting the world with your imperfect pen
'Til the next stubborn girl picks it up in a picket line
Over and over again?
And you join in the chorus of centuries chanting to her
The path will be twisted and risky and slow
But keep marching, keep marching
Will you fail or prevail?
Well, you may never know
But keep marching, keep marching
'Cause your ancestors are all the proof you need
That progress is possiblе, not guaranteed
It will only be made if we keep marching
Keep marching on
Keep marching on”
Okay. I lied. There is one more thing I want to share. This Chappell Roan - Pink Pony Club video came up on my YouTube yesterday and I am obsessed. It’s catchy with its electro-pop vibes and the raw, open embrace of queer culture. It certainly harkens back to my post last week. Hopefully, it also makes you smile at the end of this mostly depressing post on a dull, November day.
Hi Jen ! Such a brilliant essay . I do hope you continue to recover physically - I can relate ! As for the USA and beyond I’m finding the more I educate myself the more I understand . The election results exposed something societal that is rotten . There are larger forces at play pulling the strings . I truly believe misogyny lives as does a horrid state of individualism fostered by the culture we live in . As someone who tries to reach further in my empathy to the larger world this has been a difficult year . The everyday complacency with the “wrongs” in our world is disheartening . Sometimes it feels like we have come so far yet sunken so far back again. The erosion of women’s rights as well as the intentional killing of thousands of people that has been occurring right in front of us in Gaza and beyond feels like a setback in morals and basic humanity. I have hope that we can raise new generations of empathy and reshift- To what’s truly important - our environment , our communities - and valuing others . We are being fed huge lies every day via our leaders, our media, what we consume . We have been sadly dumbed down as a society . The 1 percent still thrive - and who we view as a bold strong leader is merely another form of corruption in the form of an orange haired monster. We have pulled back the curtain and this is what we have. The major shift to the right is scary and symptomatic of what is morally wrong with our Western society . I appreciate that I can find my own circle of like minded kindred spirits to nurture and remind me that it “ain’t all bad” . I believe that we each have a duty to rediscover our moral compass and speak up whenever and wherever we can .
Also ..Thanks for being you!