Untangling Privilege, Judgment, and the Importance of Feeling
The Journey to Self-Acceptance has Many Turns
I appreciate so much that you read my writing. The practice of sitting down and crafting these posts is therapeutic and has become a big part of my own self-care and personal journey of acceptance. I do it for myself first, and I am always delighted when someone subscribes, likes or responds. This feels like one of the few places I can be truly vulnerable, and I thank you for coming along as I figure out who I am and what my power is. Thank you for reading and I wish you and your family a safe and happy holiday. May you find peace in the moments you need it and as we head into the new year, let go of whatever is not serving you.
I wrote a post two weeks ago to share last weekend. I wasn’t fully happy with it though, and instead of fretting over it, I spent the day with niece Christmas shopping. It was wonderful to spend a full day with her, something we haven’t done in some time. Writing is important to me, but more so, is time with people I care about.
When I got home, we watched an episode of A Small Light. It’s the Anne Frank story, but told through the lens of one of the helpers’, Miep Gies and her husband, Jan. Afterward, whatever I had wrote here felt insignificant and steeped in privilege. I’m going to attempt to explain.
We have been watching “A Small Light” over the last few months. For us, it’s not bingeable. Every episode I say, “that was heavy”.
It is heavy. The topic is heavy. Made all the more so by the Israel-Hamas war right now. After every episode I feel a mix of emotions settle over me like a heavy blanket. Sadness. Grief. Desperation. Anger. Hope.
At times, I think of stories my Opa shared about the war. I imagine the situation in Amsterdam was possibly bleaker in 1944 than portrayed, but it doesn’t shy away from the horrors of the holocaust.
In this particular episode, children who had been held in the daycare, which was a part of the Dutch resistance that saved hundreds of babies, were awoken and shipped off in the middle of the night to the camps.
It’s heartbreaking to watch.
On many levels.
I am aware of how privileged I am to be in the safety of my living room in Canada, experiencing these feelings through a TV show, rather than living them.
Countless people are living in situations where this terror, grief, and desperation are ever present and their only reality right now. Sudan. Syria. Gaza. In mosques, where family members pray for the safety of their loved ones in Palestine. And in schools and synagogues, where the Jewish diaspora is being targeted for actions of a government, whom they may or may not support.
And while the history of the Middle East dates back well before our own, Canada is not innocent in our role. On the topic of the holocaust, there is the knowledge we didn’t open our doors when we could and actually, Canada did this first with residential schools.
Two weeks ago, I sat in a sharing circle for the first time as part of a day retreat led by George Couchie. I learned about the medicine wheel, the seven grandfather teachings, the significance of the circle and Anishinaabe cultural practices and beliefs.
George held up a replica snapping turtle and pointed to its head. When we spend all our time thinking about the future, we feel anxiety and worry.
He pointed to the tail and spoke about the feelings of depression when we think too much about our past. Remorse. Regrets. Shame. Feelings that can poison us.
Instead, we need to acknowledge those moments and learn from them. Take the teachings and apply them in our life going forward.
As I sat in the circle, I reflected on things I had done or said, the shame I was carrying and regret I was feeling. I knew in that moment, I was where I needed to be. I made note of things George was telling us, about protecting our “spark” and helping others to keep theirs shining. I considered all the trauma he and his family had endured and the courage, resilience and healing it took to get to today.
I considered those I know steeped in their own struggles, nurturing their spark despite the odds and yet others, grappling to keep theirs going. I thought about how difficult it can be for those of us who aren’t living their life to understand. I came back to myself and what I can do to be more present, to offer support and accept people as they are, without judgement.
Over the last few months, I have been very engrossed in the “job search” and feeling lots of feelings as it relates to mid-career transition. This was the focus of what I wrote a week ago.
I better understand now the challenges women face returning to the workforce after time away, perhaps due to having children. The challenge to translate your skills and experiences into key words that will be picked up by screening software. Or to not get too caught up in comparison analysis and career envy as social media has now also enveloped the job search process through LinkedIn.
I had been spending a lot of time with feelings of regret and remorse before that sharing circle, as I re-analyzed past career decisions. And now it all seems a little trite.
Before I went to bed, I read Shauna Rae’s latest newsletter - Loss, Connection and News (in rural Canada).
Her words connected with me in so many ways and expressed so many of the things I felt and thought during that sharing circle, in the days since and as I sat in those heavy feelings on Sunday night.
“So many people are suffering today, suffering from disconnection and despair. I see them at the grocery store, the mall, the gas station and the coffee shop.
Authentic connection and belonging are things you just can’t buy.… connections where someone can hold space for you and your honest experiences, like grief, without judgement.”
Over the past week, I have listened too and read many of the articles Shauna shared, turning the ideas over in my head in moments of quiet.
And as I write this today, I realize what I was missing. As much as I was seeking to not judge others, I was actually placing a lot of judgement on myself. I was ashamed to be feeling so much stress over something that, in light of all the things going on in the world, seemed to be very privileged. I told myself I should dismiss the feelings. Get over them.
And while it is true the stress of the job hunt pales to that which others are facing in the world, they are still real feelings. And they have been felt by many others, and if I would not judge other folks for those feelings than I should not judge myself.
And that is the crux of things. The world may be messy right now, and as I strive to show up better in it, I need to also reserve judgement on myself. We can only process our emotions and heal if we allow ourselves to feel them, no matter how privileged they might seem or be. Reserving judgement on ourselves is the greatest way to start practicing it with others.
Otherwise, we just project those feelings and insecurities onto others, saying things we wish we hadn’t said and perpetuating the cycle. Whether we’re online or in person. We have to be willing to have this grace with ourselves. Only then can we start to quiet the voice in our head, so we can be present, open and listen to others. Only then, is connection possible.
I appreciate you sharing your journey and insights from what you are learning!